They say autumn is about change and letting go. That it’s about going inwards and finding out what’s there. Autumn is represented in the amazing colours it manages to produce: burnt oranges, reds and yellows. Each leaf that falls offers a tale of reflection.
This autumn, in particular, heralds a deep call to let go and equally hold the possibilities that lie ahead on the other side. This autumn has been a deep inquiry into: Where do I not feel valued? How do I value my self-worth? Where do I not keep my boundaries of Yes and No? Where am I not clear or precise in my communication with those around me? Where do I compromise my values and myself? How do I best express my feelings to those around me with empathy and compassion? How do I best articulate my needs and requests to those needs without feelings of shame and blame?
My dance with honesty has led me along a very profound and confronting path these last fifteen years. It’s taken me to some of the most uncomfortable places within my core’s shadow and equally opened up so many doors, which I am still finding the keys for. I birthed my first book two years ago titled, An Open Relationship, which looks at the importance of honesty, integrity and the choices we make. This particular moment in time seems to hold a potent cocktail of all that has taken place these last five years along with the current state of our climate, nature and our species. I am full to the brim with a tidal wave of raw emotions pounding at me from all angles.
They say autumn is about change and letting go. That it’s about going inwards and finding out what’s there.
My chest feels the heavy cold surge of emotions as she pushes in for another round of grueling torture. The explosion hits and it feels like I can’t breath; I try to stay afloat, yet I am sinking in an ocean of feelings. The dreams and plans I have made for my life feel like distant ships on the horizon as I try to trust all that is right now. Trying to make sense of the storyline, trying to make sense of how life can be so beautifully sweet, yet twisted and sore. How to navigate the bliss and pain that sit side by side.
She is there in the full glory of what was and is now no more. She stands in the doorway of each waking moment of change, reminding me that nothing lasts forever and everything moves forward to the next moment. She comes with nostalgia and dreams that have been spoken, yet not able to come to light. She sits heavy in the cavity of my being and is present in every inhalation and every exhalation.
She stands right next to grief and with each wave that passes she sends her army of tears into the deepest chambers of the heart. Sadness doesn’t give any rest like a thick mist coming into the bay where she sits waiting. The flood of tears opens up again and it’s like I’m drowning in sadness.
She is strong, she is fierce, she is wild and unhinged. She is screaming in the silence at words spoken that have hit her down and broken her trust within. Anger rages a war of unmet expectations, where values have been compromised. Anger rages through the tango of deception.
She is there with all her unwanted opinions about the stories. Blame feeds the fire; blame villainizes its opponents. Blame allows victimization to take over, creating fleeting satisfaction than leaving again with the numb void of loneliness.
She is cold, she feels like poison, she is ice. She takes the joy out of everyday tasks and encases all you touch with a veneer of hopelessness.
She is there after the storm, sitting on the fence watching the different sides of the unraveling. She brings with her a hundred more voices to the mix, each with their unique take on the events. She turns up the volume, the pressure, the madness, the insanity and the noise. It gets louder, louder and louder until you sit face to face with it all. Insanity? Immortality? And the insomnia.
She is there under it all holding you through what feels like a death. She whispers, “Trust, let go, be kind, forgive, say sorry, kiss, dance, get back up, be gentle with yourself, laugh… breath.” She reminds us of gratitude – gratitude for all that has been, gratitude for all that was and will be and gratitude for the simple things in life that take your breath away. It is when we return to this simple state of Love that we can come back to our birthright of now. Love is the foundation of our very DNA.
I will leave you with an extract of a beautiful poem by Bianca Sparacino…