A week ago my eldest son Tayo turned three and with that came a whole wave of feelings and nostalgia. It dawned on me that I still have not shared my birth story about how this miracle came to be and how my universe has changed so much since making the conscious decision to create life with my beloved husband and best friend.
We had just had our all white wedding in South Africa and I was finishing my Kundalini Yoga Teacher Training when we arrived back to London and I was so determined to fall pregnant, its something we had been talking about for a long while and each month it was the same, ” Tiago, I know I’m pregnant, I can feel it. Oh my God, this is it, I am going to get a test.” And each month the test result was negative. Then a few months on I was doing a sacred mediation ceremony and I got this vision and clear sensation that a white pearl had landed in my belly, I took it to mean that I was now ready to create life, little did i know then that I was already 4 weeks pregnant.
I got this vision and clear sensation that a white pearl had landed in my belly.
The day I found out I was pregnant, I was with my sister who is such a special being. I feel blessed to have her so deeply rooted in my life. We were both in shock and excitement, both looking at this bit of plastic that shows you a bold red plus sign. It’s so funny to think of , as I wanted to frame it, put it in the Tate modern and share it with the world and that just what I did. I could not wait for that three-month mark that everyone tells you to wait for, I had to let it out and the more I shared the news, the more I started to realise the real weight of what this new creation would mean for both myself and husband.
Each month my belly began to grow, my breasts got bigger, I would feel the little being kick, move and play around. I glowed inside and out. I feel so alive in a way only a mother can know. I continued to dance, teach yoga, do my children’s parties and write. and still he continued to move and grow within me… I was and am still amazed by this process. I knew right from the moment I conceived Tayo that I wanted a home birth, I wanted to breastfeed, I wanted to wear my baby in a sling on me at all times and I wanted to sleep with him in our bed. All my wants were met and it’s still the best bit of mothering advice I can give anyone.
The books had been read, the DVD’s had been watched, my midwife was ready, my doula was waiting for the call, my mother had arrived from South Africa.
As the weeks moved closer and closer to that inevitable due date… all things started to take shape. The books had been read, the DVD’s had been watched, my midwife was ready, my doula was waiting for the call, my mother had arrived from South Africa. The lounge was a ceremony space with an altar, fresh flowers and all my affirmations up on the wall. The birth pool was ready for me to climb into it. Just waiting for my exceptions to leave and let nature and my body be the real guide, leading me deeper towards the essence of me. The real art of surrender. I had been watching and reading about the possibility of orgasmic birthing. I felt so strongly that this is what I was going to experience, and would visualise my self climbing into birthing pool and the water would sooth the sensations that would give rise to the waves of ecstatic bliss. Tayo’s birth was not an orgasmic one, but it was real, raw and magical in all its full sensations of the surges, the pain and mystery of this amazing process.
That evening I was feeling extra full after dinner and had a whole list of things to do the next day so went to bed early. Tiago was busy installing an art exhibition and my due date was still 5 days away. I woke up at 2 am with my sensation of something is happening and as i went to the toilet my mucus seal broke and I started to feel a very light sensations in my lower back. I didn’t wake Tiago and went back to bed to try get some more sleep. By 6am I was starting to feel very nauseous and remember feeling very spaced out. At 7:30am I was beginning to feel the waves of each contraction and it the sensations were intense. I just could not get comfortable and remember my mom cooking as I circles my hips to the beautiful music playlist we had arranged. As the morning drew my beloved soul sister Lucidia arrived and just held me, breathed with me, massaged me and whispered words of strength. Tiago was holding space and beginning to set up the pool when my midwife arrived to find that I was already 9cm dilated. I felt a huge relief as it was moving fast into the second phase. This is when it got really difficult for me.
I climbed into the pool at around 12pm, Tiago and Lucidia climbed in with me as I spent the next 4 – 5 hours doing circles, breathing, pooping, silently screaming, feeling overwhelmed as to why this part was was so hard and drawn out. I knew I was ready to push and yet I could not get my head around the idea of his little being coming out. The mantra kept playing itself and loop, candles were lit and relit and still no such thing as anything remotely orgasmic.
Tayo’s birth was not an orgasmic one, but it was real, raw and magical in all its full sensations of the surges, the pain and mystery of this amazing process.
It was raw, hardcore pain, my back and ass felt like It was going to split open and still to this day even after the birth of number two, it’s the most painful thing I have ever gone through and yet its manageable and we are able to ride with it. It’s real, it’s empowering, it’s beautiful and such a rite of passage for a woman. After about 4 hours of pushing, it was suggested I climbed out the pool where I half squatted, lying back in Tiago’s arms and let gravity take its course. After connecting with the vital breath of pushing this baby through we finally saw the head crown at 5:45pm. Tayo landed in my arms a minute later and went straight for the breast. We knew from the moment he came he was going to a ‘Tayo’.
I waited another half hour before birthing the placenta (which we later made into a raw placenta smoothie and encapsulated the rest.) I felt like such a warrior afterwards, I still do when times get tough I think, “Sammy you did that, you can do anything.” It’s the most ‘letting go’ process I’ve ever experienced. It has profoundly shaped me and remade me into who I am these days.
I felt like such a warrior afterwards, I still do when times get tough.
The last three years have gone by so fast and Tayo has grown so much. Everyone tells you that and yet when you experience it, it makes you really appreciate each moment of my childrens’ lives and each moment of our time together. It’s the hardest path I have ever walked, I have had to let go of so many things and yet when it get tough and I am not sure I can take much more, they look at you, say something or just do something that melts your whole soul inside out and you are bought to the very fine creation of being in the present moment and feeling so alive and full. Its love in its most purest form.
Tayo is now a brother to our newest arrival Kai who is 7 months. I’ve stepped even deeper into this role and part I play as mother. Such a deep unraveling process of letting go, reconnecting, reshaping, redefining and reminding the most me the most important essence in this life is just staying in the present moment.
