Where do I begin to write this piece of the puzzle? Over the past few months I’ve found myself grappling with another layer of honesty: holding other people’s secrets. Though not invited from my end, my most nearest and dearest have shared with me stories of their past or certain experiences. As a friend and space holder, I’ve opened myself up to listening and being present. At the same time, I’ve felt tested in holding these secrets, questioning the notion of loyalty, especially where one party is unaware of the full truth and shares these secrets with others that are, in my humble opinion, lies.
In my own personal journey I’ve seen how lies gather momentum, creating emotional anxiety and physical dis-ease in the body. Every lie needs another lie to cover itself up. Before long, the truth becomes so distorted we’re not sure where one truth begins or ends.
But where does this notion of being unable to share the truth come from? Since I can only speak from personal experience, I would say it comes from fear.
Spiritual disciplines teach us about having no expectations and no judgement.
I know that when I’ve lied, I’ve felt that my external circumstances aren’t safe or favourable enough to share the truth. I feel that by hiding the truth, we’re also covering how we really feel; we’re afraid of looking good or bad, we’re afraid of how the other person will react.
As we hold on to our deepest yearnings and heartfelt feelings, we leave them in a silent box of resentment, which all too often begins to rumble and grow. It stirs up hurt and upset as we realise we’re not able to be accountable for how we feel, since we never shared it in the first place with those close to us. Rather, our go-to place is blame and our role as victim.
And so here enters the theme of the Big EX: Expectations – a theme that has been all too present for me in the move to Copenhagen.
I’ve always believed the notion that I am an unconditional being of love. Within all areas of my life, I am able to use this as the means to express from and build my foundations. I pride myself in always sharing how I feel and going with the flow, enabling me to arrive at this point in my life. I now find myself at a life junction, where a deeper layer of understanding is rapidly revealing itself at a cellular level. And it’s unnerving – almost as if I’m walking around in a permanent state of nakedness.
But where does this notion of being unable to share the truth come from? Since I can only speak from personal experience, I would say it comes from fear.
But where does this notion of being unable to share the truth come from? Since I can only speak from personal experience, I would say it comes from fear.a
As some of you will know I’ve written a book called ‘An Open Relationship’ which deals with this voyage of honesty, and the importance of truth in the relationships and connections we keep with ourselves, others and this planet.
I feel a new level of truth revealing itself to me, yet I didn’t know that I didn’t know. So this period feels very new for me – a new landscape, a new flavour and me learning to digest a world that I am slowly letting in to understand its hidden gems. The world of Expectations.
Spiritual disciplines teach us about having no expectations and no judgement, to make way for a deeper enlightenment. This is something I strive for and try my hardest each and every day to put into practice.
Yet, before we can truly reach this place of neutrality and space with all around us, I feel it’s so important to speak about these expectations. I see a beautiful dance between my feelings and expectations, and how we need to express and articulate both. For me, this means taking more time and space to communicate my expectations around sex, money, work, child rearing and the relationships close and intimate to me.
I’ve realised I have a heap of expectations. Even as I write this, I feel uncomfortable and vulnerable. It reminds me also of an article I read recently which explains how unmet expectations are the real reasons for most relationship breakdowns, rather than sex or money problems as so many believe:
‘But having unmet expectations isn’t just a marriage problem. It’s a life problem. It doesn’t matter whether you’re single, married, working, unemployed, old, young. Having unmet expectations is lethal to everyone. No one is immune.’ – Derek Harvey
In my own life, I’ve seen that when we don’t share these feelings or expectations, we create upset as we project these unmet expectations onto others, blaming them for not making us happy or fulfilling us. Yet, we are the only ones who can make ourselves happy; we are the only ones who can truly give ourselves what we need. If we can look at how we express these expectations through a different lens, we can separate emotion from need.
What makes us unique as humans is language – the ability to bring beauty to relationships of all kinds. We can express how we feel and how we see things. The world would be dull and boring if we all viewed life in the same way, and it’s why we need to create safe containers within each relationship to allow all feelings to be explored. It takes practice not to take what others say personally, and we often feel judged when we express our true selves.
Expectations can be a useful barometer to measure how much we care and how much we wish to control.
I feel we’re at a tipping point within our humanity. We can no longer afford to sit in the dark and bear grudges; we can no longer keep creating dis-ease within our bodies and we can’t keep hiding from ourselves and others.
We need to start being accountable on a deeper level for who we are, what we are and how we wish to go forward in this lifetime. This process starts with us and the deep enquiry into how we actually feel.
Expectations can be a useful barometer to measure how much we care and how much we wish to control. Through clear communication, if we are able to find safe, nourishing ways to relate with each other, we can love without condition, give without expectations and create fruitful and long-lasting relationships that meet all our needs.
